If I hear ONE MORE CHILD IN A GERMAN CLASS tell me that I don’t know how to pronounce Angelika the German way, I will fucking scream.
No. Sorry. Guess I don’t know how to pronounce my GERMAN FRIEND’S fucking name. I’m an MA student in German, and you’re an eighth grader. I guess you’re right and I’m wrong. My bad. Don’t fucking give me lip.
Hint for the non-German speakers among us: it is not pronounced the the character from Rugrats, and it is not pronounced Angeleeeeeka.
I don’t know why this annoys me, but when ADVANCED German speakers do it, it’s even more annoying.
I got into the German MA Program at UW - Madison. I am happy about this because I got into a department where no one knows me. While I’m sure that I was admitted to MSU based on academics, involvement in the department, and professionalism, people know me as a student and as a person, and I think it’s just easier to get in somewhere where people know you personally - if you are a good person.
So while I’m incredibly happy about Wisconsin, the thought of leaving MSU makes my heart ache. The thought of leaving German for Kids make me want to throw up. In fact, I’m tearing up just writing about it. But if MSU can’t fund me, then I can’t stay. If Wisconsin can fund me, I have to go. I have to go get college teaching experience. But I don’t want to leave our program. (Okay, now I’m crying.)
The people. The classes. The programs. My fellow grad students. It’s like my family. I feel more at home in Wells Hall than I do at my parents’ house sometimes. I feel like every professor I’ve ever had has, in some way, helped make me the person I am today. And FDK. Oh. God. My “farewell drink night” with her will be so sad (Crying harder now).
I know I have to leave someday. I’m just not sure I want it to be in seven months. But “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you just might get what you need.”
So today I got up to sub in Clarkston when I realized that it was snowing, and the roads wouldn’t have been plowed yet. I decided not to drive an hour and fifteen minutes in that awesome weather. I went back inside and cancelled the job only to find a new job for a half day in Waverly. Waverly is like 20 minutes away. So I took it. I was subbing for a special ed. resource room teacher.
I got there, and I was sitting in the first class, and I had to leave and throw up. Don’t know why I had to throw up. Just did. Thought about going home, but I immediately felt better after getting sick. So that was good news. I stayed. I got paid. It was a good situation. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken medication on an empty stomach. I’m glad I didn’t drive to Clarkston. I was really dehydrated afterwards. I have a bitch of a headache now.
I guess that’s really all that made today weird. That and being a resource room teacher. Tonight is Kaffeestunde/Bierstunde. Maybe I won’t drink at Bierstunde. Before that, I’m eating sushi with Andy. (Bad choice after this morning’s events? Maybe.)
Planning for German for Kids.
Oh. And I got accepted to the German MA Program and University of Wisconsin - Madison. So I could be a Badger instead of a Spartan in a few months. Weird. Though I think that once you’re a Spartan, you’re always a Spartan.
I feel slightly ill and am trying to talk myself out of substitute teaching today. If I don’t teach, I will sit around on my ass and do nothing all day. I will make no money. If I sub, at least I will make a little money while keeping myself somewhat occupied.
I know I’ll feel better later. I just wasn’t programmed to get up this early. Even when I was doing it on a regular basis, it didn’t feel right. I might not bother putting on makeup or putting my contacts in today.
I can’t believe I keep signing up to sub in elementary schools. I am so tired.
It’s true what they say, you never really go away. Each day I fight the good fight and there you are, whispering in my ear when I take each bite. It must be exhausting to be you. You try so hard to get me to stop eating and when I don’t, you tear me down. I don’t want to stick my fingers down my throat, I don’t want bruised knees!
I know you feed off my weaknesses and yes, right now, I have many. But it’s been months since I’ve purged, I try so hard to meet my basal metabolic rate. JUST GO AWAY! You are just a wall in between me and happiness and damnit, I’m tired of it.
I’ve been trying to keep busier these days, and my school work has helped with that. I also want to have some fun, so I decided to join an IM soccer team that my friends’ boyfriend put together. I suck at soccer - it’s true, but I had a good time, and I actually made a few “good” plays. No game-saving goals or dives, but I held my own, and it helped me burn some time and some calories. It was fun to get out on a Sunday afternoon to take a break from studying.
This weekend was a great weekend. I had a game night on Friday, hockey game and chill night on Saturday, and soccer on Sunday. Good times.
I have class in a bit. I wish I had time for a nap.
I really, really, really have so much in my life to be thankful for. There is so much to be happy about. It’s not worth concentrating on the not-so-positive things. It only brings me down.
I am exactly where I have wanted to be for the last year. I am in grad school. I am a Master’s student at one of the best universities in the country - a Big 10 university: the school I dreamed of attending when I was younger. Now I have BA from this university, and I just started grad school here. It’s amazing. This is totally what I want.
I have wonderful friends. I really do. I have people who are looking out for me - people who take care of me. I have people who respect me for the work I do and for my dedication. I have all of this.
A few months ago, I thought I was losing everything. I thought I wanted to teach high school, but I knew that it just wasn’t for me. I thought lost my dream. I really did. Then I remembered that it was never my dream to be a high school teacher. It was always my dream to go to grad school.
I took a risk and applied to start this semester. And I did. I walked away from something known and into something completely new. It has been an incredible experience, and I just got back on my own path instead of the path I thought I wanted - the path that someone else wanted me to follow. “Defying Gravity” from Wicked really helped me through this time. No one is ever going to bring me down.
My soon-to-be (possibly) committee chair and I had a meeting today, and we discussed which classes I’m going to take and how I probably won’t get funding. Ever. That sucks, but I guess, for some crazy reason, I’m willing to pay for this graduate education. So if I stay at State, I will probably have to pay for grad school. Maybe for another year. So that goes against FDK’s advice (my possible chair calls her The Mighty Frau Doktor). She told me last year not to pay for grad school. But if I don’t stay here and finish grad school, I don’t really have anything else.
However, if I get into the program at Wisconsin-Madison and they fund me, I will go there. Leaving State will be hard, but I guess I could always come back for my Ph.D., right? It might be good for me to get away for a while. I’d just miss so many people so much. zB: FDK. But I’ll have to leave State eventually.
So that’s life right now. But at least I have a general idea of my classes for the next year and a half mapped out.
Thursday is the greatest day of the week. I truly believe that good things usually happen on Thursday.
For example, I found out I got into grad school on a Thursday, and last night, I went to a cooking party. I made Andy’s recipe for chicken pesto pizza with black beans and orange peppers. It was for my friend Lily’s birthday, and she made tomato bacon sauce with pasta. There was Kimchee with beef, an eggplant stew thing, and tuna pate. For dessert we had a Brazilian chocolate confection of some sort. Yum. There was wine and great conversation.
It was amazing. This is one of the many reasons I’m so glad to be back at MSU. If I didn’t live here, I would never have gotten to experience that. I met new people and ate things I’d never eaten before.
Last week at German for Kids, I face planted. I don’t want to do the same this week. I got most of my lesson planned last night, but after last week, my confidence is a little bit lower than it usually would be when it comes to German for Kids.
Last semester I feel like I rocked it. I could plan the day of class during my planning hour at CHS. One weak lesson isn’t the end of the world. I just underestimated how much the kids would remember from last semester. I have a good (I think) plan for tonight, and I hope that it goes well. It should. I just need to remember not to be nervous. I’m good at this. This is my thing. I am a German for Kids professional. I have volunteered for over 320 hours (way more now), and I have been doing this for three years. I can rock it out.
Let me preface this by saying that I am NOT against giving to Haiti in it’s time of need. I think it’s great that there are all these giving campaigns and telethons, etc.
What I do wonder, however, is where all of these telethons are to help our own citizens. There are people in the United States who do not have access to health care because they can’t afford it. There are senior citizens who have to choose between their medicine and food. There are families who can hardly afford to put food on their table.
I realize that we have these things (healthcare, food, clean water, etc.) readily available in our country, but just because some have them doesn’t mean that everyone does, and no one should have to choose between food and medicine no matter where they come from.
So why were there no telethons when the auto industry crashed and the banks went under? That’s all I’m asking.
Every time I decide I’m done with the runaround, you come back, and we start running again.
I know you don’t really want to see me. If you wanted to, you’d have seen me by now. I need to let you go so I can move on and be productive in my life. Have some fun. Five years is long enough for this race. Why don’t I have the spine to stop running?
Today while subbing, I kept wanting to speak German to the kids because I’ve really only taught German. So I kept wanting to praise them in German and call them “Kinder” or “Klasse.” Lord. That would’ve confused the hell out of them. Maybe I just start thinking in German when I start teaching. That’s not really a bad thing, right? Even when I teach German for Kids, I use a moderate amount of German, and my English gets really awkward.
Fifth graders are crazy, but they’re funny, too. Since it was only a half day, and there was some teacher inservice or something, I got to meet the teacher before I taught. That was nice because she gave me some insight on her class and how they behave. It was nice to not go in totally blind.
Now for the kind of strange part. I drove all the way to Clarkston today. It is the only place that has been calling me for jobs! However, I like Clarkston, so that’s okay, and it doesn’t feel like it’s as far as it is. Maybe it’s because I’ve made the same drive hundreds of times. I don’t know. If it’s the only place that I can get subbing jobs, then I’m going to have to go there, right? It’s not like I mind, anyway.
I am at Biggby, and they just started to play “Crystal Ball” by Keane. It is the best thing to happen to me all day - with the exception of not having a ticket despite forgetting to move my car by seven this morning. Yay!
My sister starts chemo today. Not sure what time or anything. All I know is that it takes four hours. I’m feeling a bit guilty for “running away” back to East Lansing when we have the day off today, but I have a doctor’s appointment in 35 minutes, and I’m taking Erin to her interview. So I have stuff to do here, too. It’s not like I would’ve gone with them today, anyway. I think my feelings of guilt about being here instead of there and knowing that I made the right decision is what’s killing me - not being worried. Me worrying isn’t going to change anything. It’s out of our hands now. It’s up to the doctors and the chemo to fix it now.
I just got an e-mail back from my German tutor. I e-mailed her to let her know that I am in grad school. I miss her. A lot. She was always so encouraging and so nice to me even though I was a self-conscious mess about my German skills/z. It was nice to hear from her.