Postcards from Far Away

I don’t know why this feeling has suddenly come to me, but I am relatively sure that I have changed my mind about having children. Let me be clear: I do not want nor am I in any way ready to have children right now, but I do now know for sure that I do want children someday. I honestly have no idea why this has come on right now.

I have also decided that I will start actively looking for a relationship. I finally feel like the time is right for this. I have my job, and I am going to start studying at the university here in Germany. I’m going to be here long term, and I’m ready to make a life for myself here; I want that life to include a serious relationship. I do not need a man in my life, but I’m at the point where I want a man in my life.

I’m not going to give up my dreams for anyone, and I don’t want to “settle down,” but I’m just at the point where I feel like it’s time.

It also doesn’t really help that German Mom said that she could already see me in Germany with husband and two (!!!) kids. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, C. One step at a time, and I’m really thinking just one child.

I never expected to have this feeling right now.

Yesterday, I spent the day with C (German Mom) at school. It was absolutely delightful to see her and the rest of the staff that I haven’t seen since I got back to Germany - or at least haven’t had time to talk to. It was delightful to see some of my students that I haven’t seen since June. They were SO happy to see me. I was touched. I mean, I don’t even think I could feel sad for at least the next week and a half. Like. The sixth graders (who I had as fifth graders last year) literally gasped with delight when I walked in the room with C. One of them saw us going coming to class in the hallway and SPRINTED up the stairs yelling, “Die Miss H. is here! Die Miss H. is here!!!”

My former colleagues (for the most part) were delighted to see me. I was also delighted to see them. It was such a nice feeling. It was almost like I never left, and apparently C had been talking me up in the teachers’ lounge. Aw. What a mom. I’m glad that she’s made room in her mom heart for me. Even if it’s just a little tiny spot.

Then, after school, she took me home, and we had coffee with her husband and talked about their trip to the US, among other things. It was a delightful afternoon. They are such lovely people. I hope they have a wonderful time in the US and Canada - especially in NYC. I love it there. I was so happy I was able to give them some tips, too.

Today, as it is a few days before their fall break, there is a teacher outing, and I’m meeting them for dinner at about 5pm. I’d better get to work…

Back to correcting papers while listening obsessively to Coldplay. Have a good day, everyone.

And the season finale of “The Big C” just made me cry hysterically. Like. SOBBING.

I received this post on my FB wall the other day from a friend of mine: “I miss you SO much.”

However, this friend made nearly ZERO effort to contact me last year when I was here. I think we Skyped maybe twice - once for sure. I called her on her birthday. I sent her a birthday present. She didn’t try to Skype with me on my birthday. She didn’t even send me a birthday card (Yes, she had my address).

I sent her a message TWO WEEKS before I came home, and her job ended two weeks before I left to come back to Germany. She called me the day before I left. 

I’ve made several efforts to chat with her on Facebook. Nothing. I’ve offered to Skype with her. No response to that.

This is the same friend who, last summer, forgot that my grandma had died. To be fair, her dad also died last summer. It was, however, pretty awkward when we were at her dad’s memorial, and she asked me how my grandma was doing…

She tends to ignore her friends (Or at least me) when she has a boyfriend, which is lame. It can be hard to find a balance. However, it can be done. I thought we were close enough that it wouldn’t be an issue.

I don’t know what to do about this. I’m not the sort of person who likes to give up friends, and I have been struggling to figure out what to do about this friendship. It’s become a really one-sided friendship, which I think is sad. I valued this friendship a lot, but maybe it’s just time, for the sake of my sanity and general mental well-being, to let it go. I just wonder if I should say something to this friend about it and give her a chance to fix it from her end.

My former roommate who forgot to tell me and my other roommate that we may have to make up the difference between what we paid for electricity and what we actually used if we went over. This overage amounts to about 194€ per person: an amount of money that I really don’t have to spare right now. Furthermore, he hasn’t called the utility company to ask if perhaps they made a mistake.

This same former roommate thinks that it’s somehow okay to call me at 10pm on a Sunday to discuss this problem. Yes, I know he may not be aware that I have to get up early, but he has to get up early, too, so I’m not sure why he’s not asleep. All this aside, I feel like it’s pretty much common courtesy NOT to call after 9pm on a “school night.”

And him then texting me late last night. Luckily, I’d taken some allergy pills and slept through the alert. I think I could have slept through a parade of rhinoceros going directly past my bed throwing candy at me.

I mailed him the keys, and I’ve gotten all my stuff, so hopefully, when I dispute this amount of money, everything will be okay on my end. I mean, if I have to pay it, fine. I am not one to not pay money I owe, but I am NOT just going to give someone 194€ without double checking things when I didn’t expect to have to pay it. I think that’s fair.

I kind of want to be done with administrative type things in Ludwigshafen and just go for an enjoyable visit. Soon.

…how terrible of a person am I that I am considering asking my parents to buy me a Louis Vuitton for Christmas instead of plane tickets home??

Things to consider before you make your decision:

1. I”m only about 42% serious.
2. I put it somewhere right around an 8.
3. Plane tickets are increasingly expensive; a Louis costs less than a plane ticket.

So I just passed my German test. I got DSH-2, which is the level required to study at the German university. I’m super excited.

90% on the oral part of the exam, and I got that while I have a cold. I took it this morning, and I kind of felt like crap. 90% feeling like crap? AWESOME.

Win. Win. Win. Jessica for the win.

For those of you who don’t, this show follows Cathy Jamison (Laura Linney [My doppelganger]), teacher, wife, and mother, in her fight with cancer. She handles it in such a funny way, and I adore it. It really hits close to home, as my sister has cancer, and it’s actually helped me deal with this. See, it also focuses on how the cancer affects the people around Cathy instead of just Cathy. Even if it’s not 100% realistic, I really love how the character deals with the situations with humor because that’s how I deal with the situation, and well, I can’t be around all the depression all the fucking time.

However, the show has it’s sad side: I just finished watching Episode 12 of The Big C, and it was SO sad. Lee died! Lee DIED! I can’t believe it. Cathy met Lee in the clinical trial, and he decided to drop out because it wasn’t working. They were “mole mates.” (The both were in the trial for melanoma.) They were fighting before he died, but he called her to be there with him when he died.

I don’t know. I just cried about it a lot, and I don’t think I’ve cried that much about a show since Grey’s Anatomy… At least The Big C is a bit more “real.”

Today I printed off some more pictures and just finished hanging them in my room. I’m actually pretty pleased with the way I’ve put them up on my walls and on my wardrobe. It’s so much more colorful in here now, and I love it.

After I was done, I kind of stood back to admire my work. I thought, What a life you’ve had, and all these people in all of these pictures have impacted me in such a profound way. And you know, I’ve had at least some sort of small influence on their lives as well.

Tennyson writes in Ulysses, “I am a part of all that I have met.” Well, it’s true. The experiences make up the whole. I am a part of them, and they will forever be a part of me - for better or for worse.