There are tons of German holidays in May and June; most of them are religious holidays, and since I live in a predominantly Catholic state, I get the day off school and everything useful is closed, so I can’t run any errands even though I have the day off. Though, if I need something important, I can always take a train across the river to pick something up at the grocery store because the state across the river doesn’t celebrate most of the religious holidays.
Holidays tend to disrupt my concept of time. For example, Monday was a holiday, and I spent the holiday weekend doing all sorts of fun things. My friend stayed the night and left on Monday. Tuesday, I went down to see her for quiz night and spent the night. I was there for more than 24 hours, and it’s already Thursday, and my weekend starts soon, and I have no idea how the week went so quickly.
Time is flying by.
At least I managed to get some really, really important things done today. In other news, I probably have not drunk about an entire bottle of wine and some Bailey’s last night before leaving for Mainz from LU at 11pm when I had class at 8:30am today. It was a rough morning. Especially since I didn’t have any time for coffee before class this morning. It was sad. Now it’s better. Maybe I need more coffee.
“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”—
EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS.
Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.
I feel like I got a lot done and nothing done all at the same time today. How is that possible?
Pub quiz tonight. Appointment tomorrow. Just like every week. I hate my history class. I didn’t read for it. Screw it.
Last night’s Mad Men absolutely broke my heart and made me sick. And made me smirk at the very end. I’m still thinking about it and trying to process it. I don’t think any other show has ever had this effect on me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so attached to a group of characters before. This is a new feeling for me. I just keep thinking, “How could they do that to Joan? How could Joan do that to herself?” and “Oh my God, Don, you lost Peggy. Peggy, what are you doing? Good for you, Peggy.” Also: “Lane, you’re screwed.” But Joan. That was just something else. So many emotions. So little time.
I cannot wait for tonight’s episode even though I’ll probably have to wait until Monday night to watch it. I always have to wait for Monday morning anyway. What’s a few more hours?
Today, I’m grilling on the Rhein with some friends, and Monday is Red Bull Flugtag! Yay!
I have 800g of bratwurst, chips, and a salad. Just have to pick up some beerz at the train station. I hope it’s as successful as I have envisioned it in my head. Though, the last time I planned a cookout, it was pretty successful.
I’ve been such a bum today. It’s 12:30, and I’m still in my pajamas. I have had two cups of coffee already though. Success?
Today, my grandma would have been 86. I still miss her. I kind of want to call German Mom because I’m sort of sad, but I think that would be counterproductive to the whole being pushed out of the nest thing. Besides, they probably aren’t home because it’s Friday.
I’ll share some of her quotable quotes with you.
"Don’t get in a pissing contest with a skunk."
"Let it lay where Jesus flung it."
"You don’t go down there where all THOSE people hang out, do you?” (In reference to seeing many ethnic minorities outside of the Genesee County Court House, where my dad served as a public defender, on the way to see my dad’s office in Downtown Flint.)
Also, I think my haircut looks a bit better now that I kind of let my hair do what it wants today with a little guidance from my flat iron. Plus, I’m not putting it behind my ears right now, which is something new for me and will take some getting used to, but so far, it’s not as annoying as I thought it would be. At least my side-swept bangs are covering up the fact that I am breaking out like a twelve year-old lately.
I’m blaming it on the radioactive iodine contrast dye: logical or not. I’ll ask my dad later.
I want to go to Berlin. However, since I have something in common with Berlin right now, being poor but sexy, I cannot.
This is yet another one of those long weekends that we get in Germany. Monday is Pentecost, so basically everything but hospitals, restaurants, and train stations shuts down after 8pm on Saturday.
Today, I’m hanging out with N., I think. Then, tonight, I have plans with SH. Tomorrow Mannheimer Stadtfest with M, B, and F. Sunday, grilling with EH, S, and ED. Monday is Red Bull Flugtag in the Mainz Harbor, so that is going to be awesome.
I’m also supposed to find room to Skype with people back home. Maybe Monday night will be my Skype night, since I don’t have to get up early on Tuesday.
I am overwhelmed by nothing. But it’s this terrifying, oppressive, mentally paralyzing feeling, and I have no idea how to stop it. I have things to do that I’m scared of, but I really need to do them. What is wrong with me? I can’t fix them until at least Tuesday because of the holiday on Monday, so I guess I’m just going to deal with it and try to get some reading done.
My roommate spent an hour in the bathroom today. An hour - straight through with no breaks. I have no idea. If she gets drunk tonight and eats all the food that I bought for my grill party on Sunday, I will be pissed off. If it happens, it will be the third time it’s happened this month. I’m not going to worry about it, really. At least I know she won’t eat the bratwurst I bought because she’s vegetarian.
Dear followers, teachers, and the Tumblr #education community,
My name is Ray Stoeser and I am a second year English teacher at Crockett Technical High School in Detroit, MI. This year I had the amazing opportunity to be the AP Language and Composition instructor…
I got my hair cut yesterday, and while I think it looks okay, I also think it ended up a little too short for my tastes. It’ll grow out, and next time, I’ll ask her to leave it a little longer (if I remember). It should look a little bit better next week, but for now, I’ll just have to deal with it and try not to fidget with it too much.
You realize a former student is texting you in English class. Oh, and their English teacher is your former mentor teacher. It’s even worse when the teacher is your German mom. I am the best responsible adult EVER.
I do not want to go to class today. I haven’t been to class in over a week. Shit. But I mean, it’s not like I was skipping.
Last Tuesday I was at the doctor, and Wednesday through Friday I had off. I just don’t want to go to class at all. I also need to do reading and shit. I hate reading for history. I can’t wait to change my major to philosophy.
I’m watching last night’s episode of “Girls,” and Hanna is home for the weekend, and a person from her past asked her if she went to East Lansing High. At the store, there was a MSU mug and a “Michigan State Dad” sticker on the cash register.
However, I’m not sure it is actually being filmed in East Lansing. I’m almost sure it’s not, which is kind of lame… Don’t they think that people from Michigan actually watch this show? And also people that went to MSU? Really?
I’m realistic to know that it’s kind of hard to actually shoot on location, but they could have at least had them eat at a place that is actually IN East Lansing…
I am supposed to be writing a summary of six pages of a text right now, and I am having a really hard time. Did I mention this text was in German?
This always happens to me; I have to write something in German, and I’m worried that it’s not good enough. Then I panic about the rest of my academic career in Germany for the rest of my life. OHMYGODI’MNEVERGOINGTOBEANENGLISHTEACHER because I can’t do the work for my other subject. MYLIFEISOVER. GERMANMOMISGOINGTOBESODISAPPOINTED. Despair.
Then I calm down and get to work and everything ends up being okay in the end.
I actually feel like I might fail my oral history exam at the end of the semester, but that’s in July, so I don’t have to worry about that quite yet. I just keep thinking about how I’m going to walk out of that exam crying because I did so poorly. (I wonder if they’d write that on the protocol.) I’m just going to keep reading and doing the work to pass the class.
In the meantime, I’m going to change my second major anyway because for history, I have do learn Latin, and that’s not going to happen.
And I’m biting my nails so much that they’ve started to bleed. What’s wrong with me?