Postcards from Far Away

I haven’t been studying as long today as I did yesterday, but I can’t pull another all-day study party today. I’m just too tired. I started at like 11am, and I have managed to write answer to Reflection Question 2, and so far, I’ve completed 1, 2, and 4. So there’s that.

I’ve also been kicking my own ass studying for sociology because I am really worried that I will fail my exam tomorrow. I know that it will only make it worse to worry like this, but all I do is think. It’s like my second job.

This semester, I underestimated the university and overestimated myself. I, for some reason, didn’t really think about the fact that it takes me longer to learn something in German than it does in English. Plus, I figured that it would be easier because I’d learned most of it before. This is not true. Learning it in German is different. The education degree here is a lot more comprehensive than at MSU, so I’ve had to cram a lot more information into my brain and in my second language no less. I don’t know why I thought this would be easy… Ego maybe?

Anyway, when I was in the US, I failed my oral proficiency exam in German four times and had to drop out of the education program, and I was devastated because it meant that I couldn’t teach anymore. Then I got the Fulbright and through the course of the year, realized that I wasn’t meant to teach German in the US. I was meant to teach English in Germany, which I did all year last year, and I love it more than anything else I’ve ever done in my life. It makes me happy.

So when I failed that exam last weekend, it reminded me of failing the language test two years ago, and I panicked because I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t teach English here. Maybe I define myself by my profession too much, but I have a hard time feeling like myself without a class. (To clarify, I mean a class of secondary ed. students. I have a class right now, but they are not really the age group I want to teach in the future. It’s just not the same.) I feel all lost and awkward without my students, and it’s been really difficult these past few months. I have only ever really wanted to be a teacher my entire life. Looking at all my art projects reminded me of that, and I’ve been back and forth about being a teacher, and it always comes back to that. Always. And if my terrorist seventh graders couldn’t make me give up the profession, I am relatively sure nothing will.

I need to stop freaking out because I can take the test again next semester. I also have to stop freaking out so I can study for the exam I have tomorrow. I really just need to go see if I can get my education credits recognized so I can see if I can make my education program go faster so I can get back to my students.

As soon as I can, I am going back my school to see if I can do something with my students for a while during my semester break and maybe after their Easter break.

Unrelated: 48 days until Mallorca!